Artwork: The Proletariat / My Turn To Cash In On The BBC Diversity Plan! But am I working class enough?

 

RTomens, 2017

As part of the BBC’s new Diversity and Inclusion plan they're on the hunt for more (they have three) working class employees. I don't think they'll be actively scouring the filthy housing estates inhabited by the proletariat but if they get desperate to fill the quota selected staff members might don safari outfits and, brandishing huge nets, set out to bag a few. There are too many university types at the BBC. They want a whiff of the football terrace and cheap takeaway food, along with the sight of haircuts as worn by famous footballers and clothes from JD Sports - yes! That'll liven up the office!

Since I'm unemployed I thought I'd apply. To swing it, aside from my working class credentials I'll be claiming to be non-binary.  I've thought about how I'll present myself. They're going to ask what my parents do (that really will be part of the process). Well, my Dad watched the kiln temperatures at a brick factory (check) and my Mum looked after the house (check).  It's my CV I've got to worry about. Will having written a book about Jazz be a mark against me? Thank god they can't see my book collection. Just having a book collection could see me out of the race straight away. I won't tell them I've read Moby-Dick, Don Quixote and one third of Ulysses, that's for sure.

What else do I have to avoid? Mustn't mention being a fan of Jean-Luc Godard. No mention of Art, either. I'll say nothing about making Art, of course. Is having two CSEs a little over-qualified? Then again, they're not looking for total idiots, are they? Should I just buy a tracksuit, turn up at the door and say, in my best Dick Van Dyke-in-Mary Poppins accent "Ello, matey! Gimme a job, gawd bless yah."  That might be overdoing it.

I'll have to tweak the CV. Being employed at a top audit firm as a proof reader for the last fifteen years could be construed as a bit too...privileged? I'd have to make it clear that I got the job without any  previous experience and only with the help of a working class friend in the department. The rest of my employment history is a positive - factory work, post room, stacking bricks, etc.

But hold on, which job am I applying for? I'm too old to learn journalism. DJ? Maybe. 

"What do you know about contemporary music, Robin?"

"Nothing."

"You wrote a book about Jazz?"

"Yes!"

"What do you know about contemporary Jazz?"

"Nothing."

"Thank you, we'll be in touch."

Someone once mistook me for Gilles Peterson on a Gozo beach. Fact. She told me later when we happened to share a boat trip. I don't think a passing resemblance to the famous World-Jazz-Fusion-Hipster-Hop-Beatz DJ will help much. I really need an insider to help. Someone who knows what's going on in the Quota Department. That way they can tip me off when the Working Class quota hasn't been filled in time to please the director-general, Tim Davie and they're desperate. Then I'll make my play. Wish me luck.